If you read my post about Tom Green then this one is going to seem a little familair to start with, if not then you should read the Tom Green one first and all the others while your at it.

It was two in the morning and like most nights I had a hankering for a nice tall glass of milk (2% of course none of that skim crap)but as I was pouring it I heard a noise outside by my garbage, fearing that Tom Green had returned to finish the job (or even eat old gross garbage food) I grabbed the nearest weapon to me (which just happened to be half a gallon of milk)and ran outside ready for anything. I soon learned that I wasn't nessacarily ready for anything. Contrary to popular belief what met me that night was not Tom Green but a gaint hairy man beast (who wasn't Tom Green), our eyes met and I could sense in them a sort of imbecility but the nature of the beast gentle or dangerous I could not discern. It seemed he wished to keep this secret for after throwing a half eaten rotisserie chicken at me he fled with the most awful sound almost like crying into the night.

I stood there wide eyed for several moments with half eaten,rotting rotisserized meat dripping down my now bruised face, before I came to my senses and chugging some milk, walked to the garbage to clean up the mess (before it attracted a real Tom Green). It was there sifting through dirty diapers and broken dreams that I found a little wooden man made out of twigs and constructed with the skill of a child, and I knew that it must belong to the man beast whose potentially big full of love heart would just break without it. Images of crying bigfeet in my head I decided that like the hero in some old book I was bound by honor to return this lost treasure.

It probably does'nt need to be pointed out but I am not a detective. Even though I have seen my fair share of CSI (a fact for which I am not proud) I would still say I'm not quite an expert with...detectiv..y? stuff. I do however have a talent that I thoroughly believed could help me in finding this mysterious creature I can speak wookie(a well known form of sasquatchese). Packing only the bear necessities (I know a jungle book reference what can't I do!)I headed out to the woods to begin my quest all the time calling out in perfect wookie "Dear Mr. Bigfoot I have your wooden figurine. I do not want it please take it back!". After hours of searching the effort was begining to prove fruitless and I was just about to give up when I heard thunder in the distance and knew I had to take cover.

I found a rather large cave and deciding it would provide sufficient cover from the quickly approaching maelstrom I cautiously entered. Pulling out a small flashlight I tried to discern the caverns dimensions when my light fell upon the large hairy beast himself (still not Tom Green). He was huddled up against the back of the cave and his eyes were staring wide in suprise at his unlooked for intruder. Wanting to be done with my quest and escape the beast overpowering musk I proffered the small wooden figure. He took it from my hand and carefully inspected it then the look on his face distorting to pure rage he crushed it with one mighty squeeze and flung the pieces back in my face. I knew I was in trouble but before I could turn and flee it had grabbed my arm and lifting me in the air like an infant he flung me out of the cave into the heavy downpour. I rose to my feet in time to see the beast charging at me and just had time to roll out of the way throwing an ineffectual kick at his backside. He turned around and threw his huge paw towards my face I ducked it and sent an upper cut deep into his monstrous sternum. It had no effect but in his blind rage he slipped on a now drenched stone and crashed like lightning to the ground. Before he could rise I took hold of a log and with a powerful yell "AAARGH!" sent it crashing down upon his head. Wiping the rain and blood from my face I spit on the motionless figure and with a contemptuous smirk said "You're no daisy, You're no daisy at all."

The rain fell steadily but it no longer seemed to matter the violence leaving my system I began the long trek home, satisfied that if nothing else came from this experience I at least knew that when Tom Green comes, and he will, I would be ready.

Robbie observer of man

I believe that the best way to understand yourself is to try and understand your fellow man, so in that spirit I spent today observing the "WORLD OF MAN". My first meaningful discovery was one that I probably should have expected from the very beggining, people are boring. I am not sure what I expected when I began this grand experiment but thanks to a little place called Hollywood I know what wanted to see explosions, grand gestures of love, and maybe even a little Liam Neeson(just a little). Now I'm not saying I did'nt get to see any of these things but it does'nt count when I'm the one who is creating them. As a side note explosions are apparently illegal, grand gestures of love only work on girls who love you back and Liam Neeson is impossible to find. The things that people actually do in their daily lives only seem to interest them and their friends not having this luxury of friendship I decided to give it a try. My cowardice would not allow me to befriend the big people so I decided my best point of entry to the world of human fellowship was children so I headed to the park. Not wanting to be unprepared when I approached my small companions I decided to sit back and observe them at play first. What I noticed was that when one of the little boys pushed down one of the little girls all of the other boys began laughing and high fiving each other seeing this as my way in I aproached them. I walked up to the closest little girl and gave her a great shove which sent her rolling head over heels onto the ground then throwing my hand into the air I ran to the little boys to recieve my high fives, only to be greeted by the terrified screems of the children as they ran away. Now I am not the most astute...well anything but I know when it's time to leave and leave I did. A complete disaster averted I decided it might be time to throw in the towel but not before putting together what I had learned about mankind and myself. The daily habits of peole appear to be at least outwardly mundane, children are confusing and have different standards for the big people then they do for themselves, Mankind walks on two legs as opposed to the more common four, and I need professional help.


-till next time on Back to the Robbie