Tom Green?

Trust me I was'nt expecting it either but the facts are the facts, and the fact is Tom Green is stalking my neighborhood.

Scary right, I know it sounds crazy but I've seen him with my own two eyes and I'm not talking in a fun "Hey! It's Tom Green." way either but more like "It's two in the morning think I'll get a glass of milk...what was that moving by my back door? Jumping Beans! is that Tom Green?!" way.

The worst part is he knows I know, and I know what your thinking "So what everyone knows Tom Green can't come in unless you invite him in first" and I thought that too but he's been leaving me messages like "I'm the reason the streetlights are out on your block" and "I've been learning your schedule...for no apparent reason." but I'm going to tell you right now I think he has a reason. The question is does Tom Green want to kill me? I don't know but one of his most recent notes leads me to believe he does.

So what do you think? Am I just overreacting and blaming Mr. Green instead of dealing with the stress in my life in a productive way or should I start acting a little more like this lady and teach old Tom a lesson he won't soon forget?

-Sincerely seeking advice Robbie-

Disaster preparedness

Disasters are bad news, whether they're your run of the mill tsunami or a full out Zombie Apocolypse nobody wants to be caught in one unprepared.

Unless you are that guy, but you aren't are you? "Okay, so I'm not that guy so what do I do?" you ask, well first off drop the tone that's why I'm here to help, You see I've developed a little system for surviving even the worst situations it called the 3 G's of Survival! Guns, water, food, and smarts that's right its that simple so let's get started.

Guns are by far my favorite of the three g's they come in handy in any disaster situation from being depantsed in gym class to zombies (ghost are a terrifying exception)and in the worst case scenarios they can even be used for hunting.Some experts believe guns should be reserved for the most dire situations but I whole heartedly disagree a gun is an invaluable resource. Next comes water and food although they are technically two separate g's I am lumping them together because the method for procurring them is the same in my system. Your first thought is probably to head to the local convenience store but this is a mistake as everyone without the proper training will take this route leading to an unnessecary expenditure of ammunition, the more practical and energy saving method is to prey on the weak, in other words the elderly and children.

(So your not going to help us?)

Even though guns happen to be my favorite smarts are by far the most important aspect of disaster survival without the proper smarts you will not live long enough to be old and gross. You have to learn to think fast and act faster, action without thought is a major mistake (known in the business as pulling a Ron Artest), I know what your thinking and yes it is going to be hard but if you want smarts you're going to have to give up reality televion so say goodbye to the Kardashians and hello to old age. Remember without smarts you might as well be a mouse

and trust me you always want to be the cat in that relationship. Well there you go now that you have my 3 G's system you have an 85% better chance of surviving your next disaster that's science!(sorry ladies) Maybe after you've come out on top of your next survival situation and I come out of my underground bunker we can have lunch or something

-till next time on Back to the Robbie-

Game, Robbie style

I saw her standing in the isle across from me at the bookstore, she was a pretty little number about 5'7 with long blonde hair and a figure that could kill. She was skimming through a book and had a look on her face that said I'm not sure if I like this one or not, uncertianty being a strong point of mine I decided to show off my lady skills. I put on my best smile ( a mix between John Candy and Freddie Prince jr) and approached her with just enough swagger "Hi" I said glancing down at her book "I see your reading...Little Women, its uh one of my favorites." This put me at a disadvantage but I had already started my play so like a pro I just rolled with it. "Yeah I...uh I had to read it to my aunt when she was sick it's a sentimental thing really." "Oh really?" she said sounding a little skeptical "Who's your favorite character?"  I had to think fast and talk faster a game I've played many times "Janice? Yeah definately Janice, she is just a peach." "That's strange I don't remember there being a Janice in Little Women?" It was time to pull a rabbit from the hat "Oh, did you say Little Women? I thought you were reading Pretty Women. No I've never read Little Women." Phew, disaster averted now to finish my play and win the day. "I'd love to though maybe I can get your number and we can discuss it over dinner, kind of like a book club." I knew I had her now unlike math and science women absolutely love book clubs "Sure and while were at it we can discuss radical feminism and the destruction of the male ego." I was surprised that she could say that without breaking a smile but had high hopes. "Thats sound like a lot of fun so whats a good day for you?" I asked flashing my pearly whites. "Hmm lets see." she said slurring her words seductively "how about never." It was at that moment that I noticed a very distracting mole right above her left eyebrow and realized that no matter how much she wanted me I just could'nt love that kind of deformity (shallow maybe but it's still honest). Using my most gentle and reassuring voice I told her I had to go but would get ahold of her later and made my way quickly out of the bookstore another disaster narrowly averted.

_Robbie (back to the) Gwaltney

Where have I been?

Well it has been awhile since I've put anything up on this blog and I think you deserve an explanation.....
I am lazy. There I said it (it was harder than you think) and I feel great but that being said there is one other thing. I was outside in my garden the morning after my last post tending to my Bellbottom Blues when I was accosted by what appeared to be ninja monkeys. I ofcourse, put up a good fight but there were too many for me to handle and they took me prisoner, and that is where I have been since. They took me to a tree house in the middle of some forest and force fed me banannas while I played Donkey Kong Country and cried. This gave them some sort of sick pleasure and I could discern from their primitive language of oots and eeei aaahs that they found my Kong skills less than impressive. This went on for some time until one day they just released me for no apparent reason so I thanked them in wookie and came straight home to write this blog.  Well, there you have it the Honest to good (was that a typo?) truth.


till next time on BACK TO THE ROBBIE