If you read my post about Tom Green then this one is going to seem a little familair to start with, if not then you should read the Tom Green one first and all the others while your at it.

It was two in the morning and like most nights I had a hankering for a nice tall glass of milk (2% of course none of that skim crap)but as I was pouring it I heard a noise outside by my garbage, fearing that Tom Green had returned to finish the job (or even eat old gross garbage food) I grabbed the nearest weapon to me (which just happened to be half a gallon of milk)and ran outside ready for anything. I soon learned that I wasn't nessacarily ready for anything. Contrary to popular belief what met me that night was not Tom Green but a gaint hairy man beast (who wasn't Tom Green), our eyes met and I could sense in them a sort of imbecility but the nature of the beast gentle or dangerous I could not discern. It seemed he wished to keep this secret for after throwing a half eaten rotisserie chicken at me he fled with the most awful sound almost like crying into the night.

I stood there wide eyed for several moments with half eaten,rotting rotisserized meat dripping down my now bruised face, before I came to my senses and chugging some milk, walked to the garbage to clean up the mess (before it attracted a real Tom Green). It was there sifting through dirty diapers and broken dreams that I found a little wooden man made out of twigs and constructed with the skill of a child, and I knew that it must belong to the man beast whose potentially big full of love heart would just break without it. Images of crying bigfeet in my head I decided that like the hero in some old book I was bound by honor to return this lost treasure.

It probably does'nt need to be pointed out but I am not a detective. Even though I have seen my fair share of CSI (a fact for which I am not proud) I would still say I'm not quite an expert with...detectiv..y? stuff. I do however have a talent that I thoroughly believed could help me in finding this mysterious creature I can speak wookie(a well known form of sasquatchese). Packing only the bear necessities (I know a jungle book reference what can't I do!)I headed out to the woods to begin my quest all the time calling out in perfect wookie "Dear Mr. Bigfoot I have your wooden figurine. I do not want it please take it back!". After hours of searching the effort was begining to prove fruitless and I was just about to give up when I heard thunder in the distance and knew I had to take cover.

I found a rather large cave and deciding it would provide sufficient cover from the quickly approaching maelstrom I cautiously entered. Pulling out a small flashlight I tried to discern the caverns dimensions when my light fell upon the large hairy beast himself (still not Tom Green). He was huddled up against the back of the cave and his eyes were staring wide in suprise at his unlooked for intruder. Wanting to be done with my quest and escape the beast overpowering musk I proffered the small wooden figure. He took it from my hand and carefully inspected it then the look on his face distorting to pure rage he crushed it with one mighty squeeze and flung the pieces back in my face. I knew I was in trouble but before I could turn and flee it had grabbed my arm and lifting me in the air like an infant he flung me out of the cave into the heavy downpour. I rose to my feet in time to see the beast charging at me and just had time to roll out of the way throwing an ineffectual kick at his backside. He turned around and threw his huge paw towards my face I ducked it and sent an upper cut deep into his monstrous sternum. It had no effect but in his blind rage he slipped on a now drenched stone and crashed like lightning to the ground. Before he could rise I took hold of a log and with a powerful yell "AAARGH!" sent it crashing down upon his head. Wiping the rain and blood from my face I spit on the motionless figure and with a contemptuous smirk said "You're no daisy, You're no daisy at all."

The rain fell steadily but it no longer seemed to matter the violence leaving my system I began the long trek home, satisfied that if nothing else came from this experience I at least knew that when Tom Green comes, and he will, I would be ready.

Robbie observer of man

I believe that the best way to understand yourself is to try and understand your fellow man, so in that spirit I spent today observing the "WORLD OF MAN". My first meaningful discovery was one that I probably should have expected from the very beggining, people are boring. I am not sure what I expected when I began this grand experiment but thanks to a little place called Hollywood I know what wanted to see explosions, grand gestures of love, and maybe even a little Liam Neeson(just a little). Now I'm not saying I did'nt get to see any of these things but it does'nt count when I'm the one who is creating them. As a side note explosions are apparently illegal, grand gestures of love only work on girls who love you back and Liam Neeson is impossible to find. The things that people actually do in their daily lives only seem to interest them and their friends not having this luxury of friendship I decided to give it a try. My cowardice would not allow me to befriend the big people so I decided my best point of entry to the world of human fellowship was children so I headed to the park. Not wanting to be unprepared when I approached my small companions I decided to sit back and observe them at play first. What I noticed was that when one of the little boys pushed down one of the little girls all of the other boys began laughing and high fiving each other seeing this as my way in I aproached them. I walked up to the closest little girl and gave her a great shove which sent her rolling head over heels onto the ground then throwing my hand into the air I ran to the little boys to recieve my high fives, only to be greeted by the terrified screems of the children as they ran away. Now I am not the most astute...well anything but I know when it's time to leave and leave I did. A complete disaster averted I decided it might be time to throw in the towel but not before putting together what I had learned about mankind and myself. The daily habits of peole appear to be at least outwardly mundane, children are confusing and have different standards for the big people then they do for themselves, Mankind walks on two legs as opposed to the more common four, and I need professional help.


-till next time on Back to the Robbie

Tom Green?

Trust me I was'nt expecting it either but the facts are the facts, and the fact is Tom Green is stalking my neighborhood.

Scary right, I know it sounds crazy but I've seen him with my own two eyes and I'm not talking in a fun "Hey! It's Tom Green." way either but more like "It's two in the morning think I'll get a glass of milk...what was that moving by my back door? Jumping Beans! is that Tom Green?!" way.

The worst part is he knows I know, and I know what your thinking "So what everyone knows Tom Green can't come in unless you invite him in first" and I thought that too but he's been leaving me messages like "I'm the reason the streetlights are out on your block" and "I've been learning your schedule...for no apparent reason." but I'm going to tell you right now I think he has a reason. The question is does Tom Green want to kill me? I don't know but one of his most recent notes leads me to believe he does.

So what do you think? Am I just overreacting and blaming Mr. Green instead of dealing with the stress in my life in a productive way or should I start acting a little more like this lady and teach old Tom a lesson he won't soon forget?

-Sincerely seeking advice Robbie-

Disaster preparedness

Disasters are bad news, whether they're your run of the mill tsunami or a full out Zombie Apocolypse nobody wants to be caught in one unprepared.

Unless you are that guy, but you aren't are you? "Okay, so I'm not that guy so what do I do?" you ask, well first off drop the tone that's why I'm here to help, You see I've developed a little system for surviving even the worst situations it called the 3 G's of Survival! Guns, water, food, and smarts that's right its that simple so let's get started.

Guns are by far my favorite of the three g's they come in handy in any disaster situation from being depantsed in gym class to zombies (ghost are a terrifying exception)and in the worst case scenarios they can even be used for hunting.Some experts believe guns should be reserved for the most dire situations but I whole heartedly disagree a gun is an invaluable resource. Next comes water and food although they are technically two separate g's I am lumping them together because the method for procurring them is the same in my system. Your first thought is probably to head to the local convenience store but this is a mistake as everyone without the proper training will take this route leading to an unnessecary expenditure of ammunition, the more practical and energy saving method is to prey on the weak, in other words the elderly and children.

(So your not going to help us?)

Even though guns happen to be my favorite smarts are by far the most important aspect of disaster survival without the proper smarts you will not live long enough to be old and gross. You have to learn to think fast and act faster, action without thought is a major mistake (known in the business as pulling a Ron Artest), I know what your thinking and yes it is going to be hard but if you want smarts you're going to have to give up reality televion so say goodbye to the Kardashians and hello to old age. Remember without smarts you might as well be a mouse

and trust me you always want to be the cat in that relationship. Well there you go now that you have my 3 G's system you have an 85% better chance of surviving your next disaster that's science!(sorry ladies) Maybe after you've come out on top of your next survival situation and I come out of my underground bunker we can have lunch or something

-till next time on Back to the Robbie-

Game, Robbie style

I saw her standing in the isle across from me at the bookstore, she was a pretty little number about 5'7 with long blonde hair and a figure that could kill. She was skimming through a book and had a look on her face that said I'm not sure if I like this one or not, uncertianty being a strong point of mine I decided to show off my lady skills. I put on my best smile ( a mix between John Candy and Freddie Prince jr) and approached her with just enough swagger "Hi" I said glancing down at her book "I see your reading...Little Women, its uh one of my favorites." This put me at a disadvantage but I had already started my play so like a pro I just rolled with it. "Yeah I...uh I had to read it to my aunt when she was sick it's a sentimental thing really." "Oh really?" she said sounding a little skeptical "Who's your favorite character?"  I had to think fast and talk faster a game I've played many times "Janice? Yeah definately Janice, she is just a peach." "That's strange I don't remember there being a Janice in Little Women?" It was time to pull a rabbit from the hat "Oh, did you say Little Women? I thought you were reading Pretty Women. No I've never read Little Women." Phew, disaster averted now to finish my play and win the day. "I'd love to though maybe I can get your number and we can discuss it over dinner, kind of like a book club." I knew I had her now unlike math and science women absolutely love book clubs "Sure and while were at it we can discuss radical feminism and the destruction of the male ego." I was surprised that she could say that without breaking a smile but had high hopes. "Thats sound like a lot of fun so whats a good day for you?" I asked flashing my pearly whites. "Hmm lets see." she said slurring her words seductively "how about never." It was at that moment that I noticed a very distracting mole right above her left eyebrow and realized that no matter how much she wanted me I just could'nt love that kind of deformity (shallow maybe but it's still honest). Using my most gentle and reassuring voice I told her I had to go but would get ahold of her later and made my way quickly out of the bookstore another disaster narrowly averted.

_Robbie (back to the) Gwaltney

Where have I been?

Well it has been awhile since I've put anything up on this blog and I think you deserve an explanation.....
I am lazy. There I said it (it was harder than you think) and I feel great but that being said there is one other thing. I was outside in my garden the morning after my last post tending to my Bellbottom Blues when I was accosted by what appeared to be ninja monkeys. I ofcourse, put up a good fight but there were too many for me to handle and they took me prisoner, and that is where I have been since. They took me to a tree house in the middle of some forest and force fed me banannas while I played Donkey Kong Country and cried. This gave them some sort of sick pleasure and I could discern from their primitive language of oots and eeei aaahs that they found my Kong skills less than impressive. This went on for some time until one day they just released me for no apparent reason so I thanked them in wookie and came straight home to write this blog.  Well, there you have it the Honest to good (was that a typo?) truth.


till next time on BACK TO THE ROBBIE

A fresh snow

The laughter was the worst part, I could have handled it if it wasn't for the laughter. A shrill almost inhuman    sound it was enough to melt the sturdiest man's courage. They cackled together just out of my sight like hyenas about to make a kill. One moment everything was fine and then out of nowhere they attacked, I made a break for cover but twisted my ankle in the process. Now I sat there my back against a tree my pulse pounding listening and waiting, wondering if I'd ever see my home again. Their laughter faded slowly into silence and I knew they were planning their attack I had to act now or not at all. I was almost certain that their base was at the bottom of a nearby hill were they had dug a little trench through the snow. I gathered my ammunition together, if I could just make a break for that hill before they could mount their attack, I might be able to make a surprise attack of my own. I gritted my teeth and forced myself to ignore the pounding coming from my shattered ankle as I ran towards the hill. Just as I reached the top of the hill I saw the first of my attackers, his eyed widened as he tried call out but it was too late.I let my snowy ball of death loose and it flew expertly into his tiny face. I looked down at the bottom of the hill only to see my enemies looking up with an uncertain look in their eyes. That uncertainty was the only thing I needed I began to rain snow and ice upon them with a fury only nature could understand. I took out three of them with my initial barrage but the last two began to retreat. I easily took out the slower of the two with a well aimed shot but just as I was about to pursue the last of my foes the gods smiled upon me and he tripped on a root hidden by the snow. I stood over him snowball firmly grasped in my hand as he began to sob and beg for mercy, a mercy he would'nt find from me. "You drew first blood, not me!" I said as I raised my arm and with a flick of my wrist put down the last of my would be murderers. There I stood alone surrounded by the unconcious bodies of the six children who had picked the wrong man on the wrong day. I shook my head weary and saddened by yet another senseless war.